viva

To say the least, I listen to a lot of NPR. Again, to say the least there is an immense East Coast bias and a tendency towards the Los Angeles area. As of late almost every story on Morning Edition, All Things Considered, The Diane Reem Show, and every other show is of course related somehow to the economy. With a sarcastically solemn tone I like to use the phrase, “Well, in these economic times...” It's very necessary to preface every statement with it. Just like “well, since September 11th it just hasn't been the same.” As a society we need these temporal markers every once in a while to gauge our situation and present and excusable excuse to justify wherever it is we are. I do have a point.
For a lot of people right now is a hard time. But, that is true everyday in every time somewhere. All in all things aren't that bad. I'm lucky that I have a job that allows me to make a lot of money in a short amount of time and pretty much have job security. What I am trying to get at is the way people are reacting to the economic situation. I have a few points and will expand on them herein.
The first issue I want to examine is the reactions I have heard on the radio from people affected, be it rich business people or now poor, unemployed people. The one theme that pervades in the idea that the apparent economic stability and prosperity would last forever and the fact that is hasn't just isn't fair. To be harsh and realistic, too bad. That's how it goes. If we as a world choose (or are made to believe we choose) to use a market based, capitalist, monetarily driven economy then we must expect to have times when people fail and a lot of them at that. I think it's funny how people are so shocked. This is how it goes. The system that we take part in cannot function without failing and would do so even more if we didn't have a majority of poor, struggling people who are the gears that run the machine. The machine that destroys their lives and worlds. There in a pervasive illusion that in the United States people have the choice to succeed and to be successful, in a market economy. If not choice, then a right. This is the fabrication of the so-called “American dream”, which is still hard to define and probably not as desirable as most people want to believe. This attitude among the “working” class is spread by those in power (corporation, government, and their armies of cronies) so that the people work harder to achieve a goal which isn't really attainable. This leads me to my next point.
Living where I do right now gives me a good chance to look at how a different part of the population of this country lives. They're group number 1 from a previous post. 100% republican most likely and they like machines. Pretty simple pigeonholing. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about these folks. He also lives in an area where nuevo Western mountain hippies and rednecks co-exist. He was explaining to me how now the rednecks (as he labels all of them) are having to sell their toys, their machines. Things like four-wheelers, boats, snowmobiles, big trucks with huge lifts and tires. The kind of recreational devices that I have no use for and quite honestly loathe. We both sat laughing at all of this. Being hippies ourselves we talked about how we'd much rather walk around in the woods than shred it with the wheels of a box of metal that runs on fossil fuels. (I must caveat this in saying that this topic applies to more than just the so-called rednecks, I am simply using them as an area specific example. I'm sure people of like nature exist from Colorado, to Ohio, to Florida and Maine.) As for a lot of people these machines represent more than just recreation or a hobby, but a status symbol. The big truck think is huge down here. They're totally inefficient and really don't have any use. They're mostly driven on-road and are to big to take on many public land roads. In this economy, eh hem, there are folks selling their four-wheelers and those losing their whole life savings because of bad investing. An interesting dichotomy. Both groups share the same characteristics. They both came across money and decided to take risks and to enhance their social standing by boosting themselves with tangible and visible indicators of their success. Neither group was very smart. They both possessed the illusion that the goods times would last forever. I remember listening to NPR quite a few years ago and hearing some “expert” say something to the effect of “There is no housing bubble, therefore it can't collapse.” HA! Good stuff. I drove past a house yesterday not too far from where I live. A typical example of a house around here. Several trucks in the front and a fence (everyone has a fence). The garage door was open. There is no way you could even walk through the garage. Full of stuff. Above all people value stuff. Or as a good friend of mine says when mocking the name of a store “Country Shit You Don't Need”. So true my friend. One of the issues I hear discussed all the time in the media is the fact that in these economic times people aren't spending money like they were. Oh well. Is that a bad thing? To people who like capitalism and who make money off of people who buy lots of shit, yea it is. All I want to do is have less shit. Our economy and society needs more fiber, to get rid of all the shit. Just because you have money doesn't necessarily mean you need to spend it.
This is a segue.
Another thing I laugh at is how people talk about “cutting back” on expenses. It must be the NPR bias or the fact that I don't live like most Americans, but the stuff they're talking about is still much more excessive than how I live. Or they do things that I have been doing for a long time. I hear often about people not going out to movies or buying cheaper groceries or driving less. Well yeah, of course. I and lots of people I know (and many I don't I'm sure) live like that. It's how we survive. I always try to figure out how to get something fro free or very cheap before I spend any money. A good example is the library. Hell, I use that place all the time. I never buy a book (less shit) or rent a movie. It's silly to me to do either of these things when I have access to a library. Before I had my own computer I went to the library and used the free ones there. And now that I do have my own computer I try to find free wireless wherever I go. Living on the cheap and getting stuff for free is how I have learned to survive and I shake my head when I hear people not doing the things they did before which are all in all superfluous, and the doing some of the things I always do. Living simply is great. Or as simple as one can. I try to be simple but it isn't easy. I still have a car and a few bikes and a bunch of shit I don't need. When I hear what people are doing to cope with these economic times I laugh. “All the things we don't do now that we used to, to save money.” There is nothing wrong with not having a ton of shit and not spending money frivolously. It's good that people are canceling their cable and not going out to eat so much. A lot of people have families who they could spend more time with. Making meals together, doing activities that only involve other people, examining what's important. So much of what we do is total bullshit and it is funny that some people (in NPR land) are starting to see that.
This morning I heard a news article made by a woman who moved with her husband to LA (hell on earth). They ended up having a baby (unexpectedly) and her husband couldn't find a job. Her parents invited them back home where they could live in the woods and live a simple life with a garden and the possibility of jobs that would at least support and very modest lifestyle. She made it sound like such a huge sacrifice and a struggle. I find this odd because if I was in their situation I would be gone back home. I'd be out there planting vegetables, chopping wood and going to my low paying job. It's odd how their idea of a horrible sacrifice is how lots of folks would like to and do live. I guess people aren't used to providing for themselves. Personally I have chosen a path and live in a place that isn't conducive to living such a lifestyle. That isn't to say that I wouldn't like to be there someday. The idea of a young married couple struggling to make it has always had a sort of romantic appeal to me. I think it is because that's how my parents were before my sister and I were born. My dad was a school teacher and my mom worked at a five and dime in southwestern Iowa for a few years. All they had was each other. I hope that these economic times make people realize that what matters is each other. It shouldn't take a drained bank account, a lost job, or relocation to realize this, but if it does then all the better. Viva la recession!

I wrote recently:

The only thing I feel
is that I feel
I can't feel anything

Soft wind through the window
that's how I know you're here
but I guess that's kind of strange
when you're nothing

Can't get much more self-loathing and depressing than that. Might make a good song one of these days. I hate how these posts of late have been more like diary entries but it's what's been on my mind as of late. Something I said to a friend this week made me think of where I am now and of course where I have been. I said “It's the people that make the place.” I do suppose that is why this place I am at now isn't so great. No people. Not enough anyway. I think back not to the best times per say but the times when I felt I was living life in a way that provided me a sense of purpose and belonging. Certainly the good times are the best to think of, but also the bad times and the times that were just ok. It was always nice being able to call someone up after work and knowing we'd do something. It doesn't matter what. Had another dream with the girl in it, the one I saw for the longest time. I thought about her some more and it was strange for me to wrap my mind around the fact that at one time we did things together that people in our situation did. I feel that I am so far from any feeling like that it seems amazing that it is even possible and that I haven't forgotten fully how it is to feel. One likes to think that forgetting is easy or a curse. But I can still remember. There is a place in my memory that holds on to all of those moments and sometimes I am back there. Late nights driving home with a cigarette and the windows down. Or hating myself for having feelings that make me human. Or saying things that wouldn't make things easier. I thought of how there were things that we never said to one another. A set of three words comes to mind. Never once. Never even mentioned the word. We knew. That made it easier, I guess. I still hold onto that. We had such an immense understanding it was odd. We were two people who always held each other at somewhat of a distance. I do that to everyone. If I look at my life now I can trace a lot of what I have done back to her. I have done things to prove to myself that I don't need her and ever thinking “if she could only see me now.' Yeah, that'd show her. What? I guess that I've become a different person but not a better one. But I am a better one. Change has done me good. I have found places that help define me now. I have met people that I would never have had I stayed stagnant. I am glad in a lot of ways to be where I am, but also unsatisfied. That, I feel, I will always be. I only have everyday of my life to make it better. I need to start believing that and never stop living. I have been trying to do things slower, make my life slower. I feel that I miss a lot. I try to make my mind slower too. To think about things more and react after I have thought about something long enough. Just like proof reading your own paper it is had to do the damn thing with one's mind. I keep waiting for life to get better in a sudden and revelating way. It won't happen like that. It'll just sneak up on me and I'll be glad that it did. I'm glad for my life everyday. And I'm glad to be glad.

A brief note on a recent observation. I find myself getting down. Near the dumps even. But I don't seem to stay there. I am pretty good at not feeling bad for myself. I am good at realizing what I need to do to make my life a good one and I have no one to blame except myself. That's good. That makes me feel good. I mean, to be responsible for myself and know it. I'm glad I'm not too cool for school. Pants aren't tight enough.

It's so strange, how I'm living. There are a lot of things that I know I should do that would make my life better but I don't. Just weird. I think about doing them everyday. I make up excuses why I don't do them and that settles it, for that moment. So then I further dwell on the topic somewhat passively. I am under no illusion that everything I do is my own fault and that I have no one else to blame. The benefits of being alone all of the time. I don't have any friends here any more. They all moved away. It's odd. I'm sure that is why I don't like it here so much. I don't even see people on the street who I think I would like. The people I know are mostly from work and that is the thing we have in common. I'll be hanging out with them soon enough so I don't really want to right now.
In all honesty there is one thing that would make me feel the best, if someone called me because they were thinking of me and wanted to hang out. That would be great. That's the catch isn't it? There isn't anyone so they can't call and I have no one to connect with to meet people who might want to call me. Shit. I hate that I dwell on this. Pretty much all the time. I understand every angle of the problem and know what I would have to do to solve it. I just don't. It's easier to sit up late on a friday night writing on my computer unable to sleep because I wish I was out with people who I consider friends or sitting around with the girlfriend that exists only in my mind and who sometimes I feel will never be real. I must just be lazy. I don't want to try, and this is the price I pay. I think that now I can officially say that I'm lonely.
Last week I went into town at night to go to the library. On my way home I stopped at the stupid expensive grocery store. I was looking at the dates in the produce section, and as I was looking at them one of the packages fell off and slid across the floor. I said aloud “Well that didn't work out so well.” A woman around my age standing there said as she picked up the package and handed it to me “But it ended well.” I couldn't think of anything to say. I said nothing but smiled. As I was driving home in the dark a song came on my ipod that isn't a really emotional song and the lyrics are sort of tongue-in-cheek serious, but as it started to play I began to cry. Really cry. Sobbing while driving. I guess it was the melancholy melody and the fact that I felt exasperated. I then thought of the woman at the store and how I wish I had been able to say something. I wished how in some way someone would know how I feel. How worthless everyday feels sometimes even though I feel fine and can't really complain. I can't really be optimistic either. Mediocre. I cried because I wanted to feel something besides indifference and hopeless wishful thinking. I realized how much I am missing because I don't try. Because I am afraid of something. Because I have everything I want except one thing that voids everything else. Life is nothing if you have no one to share it with. I can only tell people what I have done and do. I want to be able to reminisce with people. It sounds corny but waking up alone gets old. Bed becomes an adversary. Even though it has been years since I haven't woken up alone. Not even waking up alone, doing everything alone. My only treatment is the fact that I explain how I feel and observations I make to myself. I talk to myself a lot. I always have but now, it's out of hand. I have philosophical conversations and make up jokes. Weird. I think I even do it when I'm around other people and I don't notice it. Odd.
Had a birthday the other day. I'm not one to be concerned with getting older. It just happens. This birthday was different though. I was alone. No cake, no going out to eat. Opened a box from my folks by myself. Depressing on one level, but I took a more ambivalent approach. I could have been sad about it. But I wasn't. I'm ok with being alone but frustrated too. I don't feel like there are people in this town who I can relate too. They're all transplants, like me. But unlike me, a lot of folks seem to be here for some weird reason having to do with fashions, trends, and wanting this to be more like where they are from. I often say to myself that I'm just not cool enough for this town. My pants are too loose and my clothes are just too inexpensive in general. I'm not drunk enough either. No am I or anyone I know “just sooooooo amazing.” Fuck. This shit is seriously bringing me down.
Things are easier blogged than done, so they say.
Lots of Pink Floyd and bluegrass too.
(written March 6)