If you could only see me now

First, I am selfish, very much so. I think about me a lot. That will be left for another post. Second, life is the coolest and most interesting thing I've ever been a part of. I'm not talking about evolution and whatnot, but the human experience. Everyday I am fascinated by it all. Third, I am damn lucky. Lucky to be able to make this post, lucky to have time and energy to think about and express "luxury complaints" (thanks e via k). Fourth, I'm damn selfish.
For those people that know me I am very active. In the physical sense, and in other ways too, I guess. I run six days a week, I do one of the most physically demanding jobs I could find, a lot of my personal goals have something to do with doing physical activities better. Where did this all come from? Very good question me. I've flirted with running since I was in my early teens (did I know what flirting even was?). I never really got into it, and as was posted earlier I got way more into smoking and drinking things, very very bad things. I like to tell people that once I quit smoking, drinking and began a plant based diet I was motivated to get into shape. That's sort of true. I realized that I haven't been honest, mostly with myself. The whole convincing yourself of a personal myth and then believing that when you tell other people it's the truth. I began obsessing about running initially to prove something. I don't think it really had anything to do with physical fitness. My change in lifestyle coincided exactly with the end of a very long and life defining relationship. It must be that i needed to prove to her that I could go on with my life. That meant pushing myself towards some goal that manifested itself as running and pushups. I gauged my success on how I though she would react to me. Of course it was never good enough. I pushed myself more and more. I still do. It's an odd realization that this is how I got into everything that consumes so much of my life now. That's almost besides the point.
I grew up with god. I always felt as if he was watching. I was always good, pretty much. Even after I realized there wasn't a god, I always did things as though someone was watching, as if someone cared. I have to say that has made me a pretty honest person. Mostly because I have realized that I don't do things I know would be bad if someone was watching me. Whew. Anyway, I still do things for people who aren't around, be they alive or dead, or even people who I haven't seen in years. I am still inspired by my grandmother who died over three years ago. I still talk to her gravestone when I am there. I suppose "doing things" for people makes it more worthwhile to try and do my best, to be a good person. It may not even matter, but I suppose it might.
Interesting.