and good

The future is very close, well that's how I feel anyway. Things are coming together as they often do in my mind. This time, though, I am being somewhat reasonable and confident. With fire season as slow as it is I have been able to examine things that would otherwise go un-thought-about. It's almost a good thing that I'm not making hundreds of dollars a day for weeks on end. Almost. I have been noticing things that a year ago I did not. Even when we have been on fires I have found myself enjoying the green of the flora, the breeze through the pines (best sound in the world), the birds fleeing the fire (how morbid) or just swooping around through the tree tops, the smells of a long awaited summer. I keep getting reminded of my childhood summers. The feelings of a carefree existence. It's so odd. I have one of the most physically brutal jobs I will ever have, and yet I have time to feel. I'm not mindless. I see more to the woods than how it should burn and how much my next paycheck will be. It's odd, wonderful. I have come to a point of caring. Not caring about some things, and caring more about others. I do suppose that this could find me in a bad situation if I am not vigilant at a time when I need to be. Though, with my insane infatuation with the fact that the woods burns with some frequency, I find it hard to believe that I'll be caught too off guard by the cunning mistress that the superintendent warns us is most capable of lulling us into complacency. I'll survive, I'd better dammit.
So anyway, the future. It's so reasonable and accomplishable. Things are lining up because I have lined them up, and if all the forces I cannot control keep cool most things should be great. The one thing that really energizes me is the strong possibility that I'll be able to leave the country for a while, and not alone. A lifelong goal so close, so close.
I can't say I've had a better two days off. It must be the book that I'm reading.
I am struggling with the feelings that I am having about this job. It's cool and fun and it pays well, but I want it to be over as soon as possible. I still have a good four months left. It'll be long in some ways I'm sure and short in others. The whole inevitable future thing walks beside me through each day, and I realize that where I am now is not my future. I am feeling more confident in myself and about my abilities as a person. I hope to be put in a leadership position this year for a while. I know that I can lead people, I just need more fire knowledge. There are people whom with I work that are in no position to be in the positions that they hold. I feel that if I show my skills as a leader their lack of abilities will come out. That sounds bad. It is, but it's different when everything your job involves could kill you very easily.
I bought some cilantro, that is also something that raises my spirits, a loaf of bread too.
Not sure what it is I just wrote, but it was fun, and good.