well

Here I am, sitting up late at night once again thinking about the past. This I often find myself doing. I suppose it's because of the lack of things to think about at the moment. The past comes to me and I often look at moments that I look at often. I think about “being over” things, but I never really am. It's pretty much impossible to be. There is a set of moments that I think about, with some frequency when in this state of contemplation. I have decided that what I feel is not regret. It's the feeling of knowing that an opportunity was lost. And was what was lost worth being where I am now? I'm not sure. Many good things have happened since, but who knows what would have happened. I realize that the opportunity lost was what I am still looking for. I guess that makes it harder, that's why it keeps me up late at night when I should be catching up on fourteen nights of lost and uneasy sleep.
Sitting here wondering about all of this makes me feel that I'm not in the right place. Be it physically or mentally. I am certainly somewhere, regardless. Too bad the somewhere is a place that I need to get out of as soon as possible. It's almost an addiction. Terrible and soothing. Mindless. I suppose that's the problem. I have nowhere to think. No time to remember me. No time for my mind to wander beyond the next twenty-four hours. My feet move constantly, but that's only life proving to me that it still exists and it's happening all the time.
The past two weeks often found me seeing where I was from a different perspective from the one that I usually find myself in. I noticed the greens of the trees, the songs of birds, the needle covered logs, the intricacies of sound, the pain in my feet. Things we get used to ignoring. I found my mind wandering to the simple. Where I wished to be. My life is really easy, at least for now. I have people thinking for me, which makes it harder to find myself after all is quiet, smoldering. There's a bad metaphor in there.
Well, anyway my glasses and my small computer makes my hands look even bigger and veiny as I type in the darkness on the verge of instant sleep.