the sex talk

This will be interesting. First drugs and alcohol and now for our culture's biggest obsession, sex. Sex has a few incarnations in my mind and life. There's sex as an act. Nothing too crazy, just straight up doin' it (for lack of a not funny term). Then there's sex as is perpetuated in the media and society at large. Cultural sex, I suppose. When I think of sex a lot of things come to mind, but the basis of my thinking is how sex, no matter how defined, is used. That's what I am going to focus on.
First, sex is how we make more of us, fundamentally. Going further humans have made sex into something oddly beyond that. From this basic perspective sex is something two (or more) people share and hopefully enjoy and gain something from. Of course this isn't always true but I'll get to that. Looking at it like this, for me, sex is cool, to sound a like a dude, for sure. It's a really interesting way to know someone else. For me, it brings me to a basic level of human interaction. Unless one person really isn't enjoying it but appearing to, the act is incredibly revealing. You're both naked and therefore unable to hide what you may feel you should, or are ashamed of. Hopefully the other person doesn't really care about that so much. Sex, in this way, is not only about physical sensations that can be incredible, but sensations that stimulate emotions and emotional feelings between the people involved. It's a good feeling to know that you're not the only one enjoying the moment. Or the moments afterwards when it seems that maybe what just happened didn't. Because I don't think those moments can be captured and relived. They happen and are always different. They're the kinds of moments you want to relive but are not sure you should in fear of tainting a beautiful memory. It's when these moments aren't what they were and the act becomes routine or worse, painful, that sex can be a bad thing. When it's not special, when it loses what makes it beautiful. This is where I have had a hard time with sex.
To be blunt (how weird, me, blunt) sex frustrates and disgusts me. Not good, fun, happy sex, but sex as a tool (I've been trying not to think of what innuendos I am unintentionally inserting here, damn!). I get tired of seeing movies where there may be no reason for it but somehow sex comes along and makes an oddly placed appearance. Sex is certainly part of the collective human experience, but it's an obsession. I don't find pornography appealing, funny yes, but there's no part of me that seeks out that kind of stimulation. Here's a good example of something that happened a couple of days ago. Our water heater died, so I went over to the next condo to take a shower. I subsequently used the toilet as well. On the back of it were a bunch of magazines. Snowboarding, outdoors stuff, a boot catalog, and a porn magazine. So I thought to myself “Ok Matthew, let's check this out, just to see what the fuss is all about.” I looked at the whole thing and wasn't turned on at all. It was all so fake and weird. I'm sure the look on my face was quite funny. I felt puzzled. Am I the only guy here (there's 18 of us) who thinks this magazine is kind of gross and an odd piece of our culture? I probably am. Since I looked at it I have thought a lot about it. I don't know those women or care to see their naked bodies so much. They're grotesque. Huge boobs, massive. Way too smooth skin (photoshop?), no non-head hair, anywhere. What the hell? Is that the ideal? Is that what I'm supposed to want? Where does this shit come from? Fuck. It's hard for me to really express what I feel. I feel perplexed. Is this exploitation of women? Forcing them to augment their bodies so that for a few years they can pose in what I assume must be uncomfortable positions so that other people can gawk at them. Do women really aspire to that or are they just taking advantage of our weird culture? I don't know. I've seen a few porn movies, but that was in high school and my friends and I laughed more than anything (probably because we didn't want each other to figure out we all had huge boners). I do remember getting a little queasy and sickened. It was just gross. I was literally turned off from sex. And to this day I still have an odd aversion to it. That has a lot to do about how I see women treated.
So as I said before I see sex as a tool, a lot of the time. Everyone knows that sex is used to show dominance and as a way to force people to know who is the dominator. That's really when I get disgusted. By far sex crimes and the misuse of sex is perpetuated by men, the world over. I am a man, a guy anyway, I have a penis. I find that when I get frustrated with how the world acts (I'm reluctant to say works, because it doesn't) I try to oppose it. Sex is a great example of it. I'm turned off my sex because of it is used by men, abused. I certainly do not do anything that is abusive sexually towards anyone, but I associate what is dangling between my legs with that of those who use what's between their legs for ill purposes. I feel an association. I probably shouldn't, but I am of the sex (culturally gender) that perpetuates this abuse. I get so tired of sex being about power or one persons pleasure. I just get sick of it. Sex is used to degrade and dehumanize enemies, or even non-enemies. It's used to subjugate. And boy do I dislike subjugation. It is hard for me to get over that. I struggle with it and I suppose that limits my capabilities in sexual relationships I may find myself in. I am also very conscious of personal space. This can lead to funny situations as I've learned, and it's something that I'm working on. I think I also resent men. Not all, but the worst of men. Men who rape and abuse and use sex to make them think they have power. I need to get over that. I'll be a male until I die and after I die I will have been a male. There's nothing I can do to change that. I try to change what a male can be, and so do a lot of others. And that is a good thing. It's no wonder that I have often hung out with and felt most comfortable with women. Here I am surrounded by total dude fest and thinking about the philosophies of sex. Because everything here is a sex joke. You have to prove that you're a man and not a homo by either talking down to gay people or women. Awesome. Why am I here? Different post. But anyway, I see a lot and read a lot and I get tired, physically and mentally, of how women are treated, treated by this penis and quick satisfaction culture.
That's that. And this is this.......I have a lot more thinking about this to do. On one hand sex is so cool and awesome, but also so messed up and misused. I don't want to misuse it. And I don't thin I do or will, but there's that fear, and I need to get over that fear. Maybe I just need to have more sex. That'll solve it. (I just laughed, chuckled, good for me).