something a little stronger

Ok, so here's something I thought of while brushing my teeth. I have an odd perception and relationship with alcohol and to a somewhat lesser extent drugs. The last time I had a drink was January 1, 2003. Pretty easy to remember. Got way drunk with friends on New Year's Eve and was still drinking, alone, as the sun began to hint at rising then passed out waking a few hours later to drive my girlfriend home and then myself. I was incredibly drunk and hungover I don't know how I did it. But I do know why, because, to be blunt, alcohol fucks you up. I drank to drink and no other reason. That was one of the few times when I drank that I wasn't overly conscious of myself and what I was doing. I think I had my first drink when I was 13 or 14. Who knows. I remember nursing a Coors Light while watching Woodstock '99 live with my much older cousin. We watched Metallica. I don't think that was my first drink, but it's the earliest I can remember. From that point I was pretty much a responsible drunk. I got drunk but not too drunk so that I was able to make sure my friends and fellow drinkers didn't get themselves into too much trouble. I think I really began drinking when I started getting into 1960s culture and more specifically when I began listening to The Doors and reading Jim Morrison's poetry and books about getting fucked up in Southern California and London and wherever else. I drank (and did drugs) not out of peer pressure (because none of my friends at that age did anything their parents would disapprove of), but because I wanted to see what it was like. When I drank and got high I wrote a lot and played music. Not that any of it was any good or legible but it was a release, or something to that effect. Eventually I did meet people who drank and did drugs and hung out with them. I did do some stupid stuff but never blacked out (well, once, I think). My parents knew I drank but for some reason they trusted me enough not to ground me forever, not that I would have listened anyway, I knew everything at 17. After that New Year's day I was so disappointed in myself that I couldn't drink for a while. It's been 6 ½ years now. Weird. I don't resent people who drink simply for drinking. Just like with anything else if it affects me in a negative way then yes I'll be upset. The only people I know who don't drink are my family. In a weird way I feel like a drinker on occasion. I know how to interact with drunk people and actually have fun doing it. I find it interesting as well how when people noticing me not drinking they get offended or standoffish (off fish!). It's funny. I guess they think I'm weird or a creeper. Maybe so. Ok, back to what inspired this history of my drinking life. I find myself every so often contemplating drinking again. I make plans for when I'll have a drink, just one. But when I get to that point I don't drink. I have a few reasons. One is a reason from when I did drink. I used to play music with older college kids when I was in high school and they provided me with access to all kinds of drink and drug (women too oddly enough). I was always welcome to sleep on their couch and I often took up the offer but I usually liked to sleep in my own bed at my folks house. That was a half-hour drive and damn if I was going to drive drunk and get pulled over. So I wouldn't drink, or limit myself to one or two beers. That worked. That's one of the reasons I still don't drink. Though these days I don't have my own bed so much, but it still applies. Another reason is hangovers. I really only had a couple of times when I can say I had a real hangover. One ended with me shotgunning the remnants of my fourth malt liquor 40 and talking to a dog who watched me and then passing out. I awoke in pain. That was horrible. Since I quit drinking I have changed a lot as a person. Anyone who knows me knows how much I exercise and am obsessed (I'll say it!) with personal health and wellbeing. I like waking up early and enjoying the daylight as opposed to staying up late (it's 11pm right now, what the hell?). I have no room in my life for hangovers and feeling shitty in general. That seems to be one of the big reasons for me not drinking. I feel, be it founded in reality or not, that even if I have one or “just a couple” of drinks I'll feel like shit in the morning. But then sometimes I eat too much food on the weekends and wake up feeling like shit. It may be that I really dislike having headaches. Really dislike. Though being sick has become somewhat of a novelty for me, being as that I do not often get ill. I'm weird. Straight up. I then think what will drinking get me? Nothing really. Less money, more possibilities for things to go wrong. I also think it's funny that I seem (at least I think so) like a guy who likes to drink and party. Maybe I don't come across that way when folks know me a little better, but I'm thinking more of first impressions. I always like the question “You don't drink? Why?” (somewhat flabbergasted). It's translated more as “Why the fuck are you here then?” i.e. where people are drinking. I do like to drunk watch, when I know the drunks. They're fun to talk with a fun to confuse. I'm a bastard. So that's drinking.
Drugs are a whole new place. I can say, be it quantity, quality and hours spent, I have been high on drugs more than drunk. Totally. I started smoking weed when I was 12 or 13. I feel old when I can't quite remember. I've never not liked getting high. Even after I stopped drinking I kept smoking weed. I was never a stoner so much. I just liked getting high when I could. I did other drugs too, but mostly weed. I liked codeine and morphine, but they were too good. So was the cocaine. Too damn good. I used my head when it came to that stuff. I did acid, mushrooms, mescaline, and other things I don't quite know what they were but messed me up good. Got into cough medicine too. Fuckin stupid. Never did anything crazy and never will. I always knew the really hard stuff wasn't worth it. Like alcohol, I think of smoking weed, or doing it more often. I've done it a few times in the last three years or so, but had a good long time when I didn't smoke at all. Some two years I think. Basically college. Most of my peers were high or drunk while I was at home reading Orwell books and drinking tea and writing prose. Weird. My best friend in high school put being high on weed so succinctly that I have yet to find a better description. He said when you're high everything is a mission. It's so true. That's why it's so hard to do more than one thing at a time. No multi-tasking while high. There's no way you can keep track. I think that's why I don't smoke so much anymore. I don't need to be on a mission. It's not relaxing. Playing guitar or reading is enough. I really am an old man. Shit. I really have to be in the right state of mind and place to get high. And I don't hang out with people who smoke anyway. They mostly get drunk, and some complain about pot smokers and how bad weed is. Oh the irony. Indeed.
The question I come back to in many parts of my life and this one in particular is “how will this or does this make my life any better? Will it be better if I do it? What do I gain, or what can I lose?” I lose money, a soft bed, and maybe self-respect. That said, and for some reason I think of Cody laughing at me, I will drink again, that's for certain. But who knows when or why, but that'll be a funny day.