As of late my days, and subsequently my months and years, have not been defining. Defined. I do things and get a result. So is life and the universe. I think I live pretty rationally and try to apply that sensibility to life. I do. I am getting tired of such an overwhelming feeling of an inevitable mundane existence. I think about being younger, maybe ten years ago. I was into poetry and mind altering substances. I was much more creative and impulsive. I sought out irrationality and hoped that by the time I was my current age that I would be leading a life that came from my irrational creativeness. Well that is not where my life is. I think the 14 year old me would be disappointed. The 24 year old me is disappointed. Sure, I'm doing lots of cool things and experiencing things I never thought I would, but I'm not experiencing the things I thought I would. I still want to experience those things. Somehow in heel I haven't really left the country and only recently got a passport. I feel that I am failing the me inside of me. I need to change. I have said that a lot. And I am stuck in the cycle of “I will after I've...”. I already have another one of those planned. And it kills me inside. I feel I should have done and be doing more than I have and am. I want irrationality. Reading the stuff I wrote when I was in my early teens is wild because my brain was totally wild. It's total crap for prose but it's such an adventure. The writing was the manifestation of what I wanted to do in the future. Somewhere along the line I lost my romanticism. I lost the ability to be spontaneous and embrace the moment. I have become a low-level worrier. Not about big things, but about minute bullshit that in the long run doesn't matter. I find myself reading less literature per say and more books based on facts and scientific inquiry. I surely enjoy and take a lot away from these books. But the world of fiction is one in which there is so much to get lost in and I seem to just not be able to get lost anymore. As of late I know where I am going, which makes life boring. I have to figure out how to make life more beautiful, more random.
It's funny, I have a phone that I check. No one calls me. Who would? I don't know. It is hard for me to recall what it was like for someone to call me and want to hang out. Used to be the center of a group of friends. Mostly because my house was where we played music. Regardless, I always had people calling me to do something. There was always folks stopping by at random. I was quite popular. It's so strange to think of those days when now I can't even think of anyone to call to hang out with. What it comes down to is that I haven't been in one place for long enough to establish any sort of consistent relationships. It's amazing that I have the ones that I do. I have friends, but none that live even within driving distance. I suppose I am a loner (Dotty, a rebel). I guess. I like having friends though. I just don't know many people like me. Or many people. In all honesty I may live in the wrong place. That said I am still blaming myself for a lack of social interaction. I'm reading Bukowski again. At this point in my life I can relate to him even less so than I could when I was 16. I still enjoy every word. The one thing I can relate to is the title to a book of poetry that he wrote and which I have read, You Get So Alone at Times it Just Makes Sense. I think that's what I've come to. I've gotten comfortable with being alone and am losing something with that. I want to be able to take personal time because I have been around people too much. For most people that sounds pretty crazy I imagine. Sure soon enough I will want to take a break from people, but those people I won't even like that much. I want to be able to take a break from people that I like. Isn't that a weird concept? Many great people have taken great inspiration from being alone and sumersing themselves to solitude. I have just made a way of life out of it. I think about traveling the world and even the state in which I live. One of the main reasons I don't is because I don't want to do it alone. I'm tired of sharing my thoughts with myself. I'm not good at answering and that can lea to the perpetuation of bogus and stupid thoughts getting stuck in my head. I am disconnected.
I should start playing my drums again. I haven't for years. That's crazy. It makes me terribly sad. The instrument that I excel at and I never play. How stupid. My parents tell me that one thing they wish for me is that I be able to play music with a good group of musicians. I do too. Guitar is ok. Doesn't inspire much and I'll never be very good. The drums I know I can get better at. There has to be something I can get better at.
There is a girl who lives here. I have her number. She told me that she wanted to start being friends. I was really blown over by that. She's really great. I told her when I got back into town I would call her. I haven't. As usual I'm waiting until the perfect moment. Which as far as I can tell will be never. I think about calling her everyday. I usually come up with something to the effect of “it's too late”. Too late for what? I don't know. It's not too late nor will it be. I have to start do-ing.
I will start by buying a new snare drum and looking at plane tickets to India or Spain for the fall. I will life this life dammit. I hope it fucking kills me.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Judgement
I live in a middle between two people. I'm stuck. Two types of people. It seems that the middle ground I inhabit is sparsely populated wherever I go.
Type one I don't come in direct personal contact with very often, though I see them everywhere. They are everywhere. They seem to not think a lot outside of what to unfreeze for dinner or the size of some type of engine. There are some things that tis type and I have in common. Certain aspects of fashion seem to transcend our differences. We both know about certain things as well. Mostly dealing with football or chainsaws. That really seems to be it though. What separates us is how we see things. They see virtue in things like earning good money, appearing tough, not taking good advise because of who said it. These people can be religious or not. They, by and large, wouldn't deny the existence of a higher power. Horse power, maybe. These people like TV too, a lot. They like things that are funny because the rest of the country (who is just like them more or less) thinks it's funny. They don't mind listening to radio stations that play more commercials than what they consider music. Drive-time talk shows are hilarious. For some, alcohol is ok. Well, as long as it is domestic. Micro-brew beer is unheard-of and doesn't taste very good anyway, and it's just so expensive anyway. The other folks don't like alcohol at all. Drugs? Yea right. These people really like going to the standard American wedding, because they're just so much fun. Prom is important for the kids. So is the mall, which is the epitome of fashion. Looking like everyone else is fine and expected. Cars are important. Mostly because they are the only form of transportation. What's the deal with public transportation and bike lanes anyway? Vacations involve something to the effect of Disneyland or Las Vegas. The illusion of quality and fancy. Women have jobs outside the home for the most part. But they are expected, and expect themselves, to do the womanly things around the house. Men just don't get it, they never will. These folks tend not to live too far from where they grew up. If they do it is still in the same state or a neighboring state. If they live further away it's because the husband got a job offer somewhere else. But they really do miss home and have license plate frames and coozies of their favorite sports teams from home. These people believe that there is an american dream and that if they try hard enough they can achieve it. These are the folks who drive too fast on rural roads and think that by buzzing me on my bike is going to prove something to me. I guess that I need to be driving a car. These people believe what the news says. Why would they lie? These people feel they are being invaded and like to victimize themselves. They think that only if people pulled themselves up by their bootstraps that their lives would be better and need to stop complaining. These people think that telling racist jokes isn't racist if you don't mean it. They have a black friend, don't worry. There people resent people like me. They think people like me ruining this country and should just go to Europe where we belong. These people look at me through the tops of their eyes when I go into gas stations, if they are unfortunate enough to catch my gaze. I'm exactly what these people don't want their children to become, even though they never talk to me.
Type two I encounter be it personally or by proxy. The most important thing about type two is that they are educated. A bachelor's degree is a bare minimum. It isn't to say that there aren't folks who aren't so educated that can't infiltrate this field. These people are a novelty and maybe be treated a such. These people like the supposed finer things in life, but strive for purity in these things. Oh, it has hydroclorofinhainype? Don't you know that causes birth defects and increases rates of thyroid cancer in over 40% of test subjects? These people get really outraged about chemicals in food, so they of course buy organic, when they can. These people don't understand the scam that is corporate organics. These people try to do the right thing, as opposed to doing the right thing. They believe that by knowing what the right thing is pretty is the same as actually doing it. These people overuse phrases like “the most amazing...” or something to the effect of “best/funniest/tastiest/beautifulest ever!” These people have at least 200 people who they call friends, though they may only see/talk to/hear from every few weeks/months/years/decades, and often can't remember their name. Gosh, isn't that weird, I mean we used to be sooo close. These people are rarely amazing themselves, they're just ok. These people like to think they're open minded. These people can tell racist jokes because they have a black friend, it's ok. These people are for the most part left of center. They like to throw around the phrase progressive without realizing where it comes from and what it can mean. These people have ironic semi-political bumper stickers on their cars. These people think that there is a huge difference between republicans and democrats. These people loathe their type one neighbors and try not to talk to them, but then say that they are accepting of everyone. These people claim to hate the consumption of fossil fuels but continue to drive everywhere in cars that aren't as fuel efficient as they think. These people are amazed that you don't know what they do about such a simple topic. Really? you still do/use/see/don't get _____. These people don't try to see from other perspectives, but they think they try to. These people really like themselves. These people have dogs and think that you should like their dog as much as they do. Don't worry, Chance really likes you, that's why he jumped up on you and barked at you so loud, get down chance don't jump, haha. Some of these people have kids. Some don't. These people hold onto things from their college days, which they recollect with a sigh. They still listen to and reference bands that were around for a few of their college years that had a following in their college town, and were so great. These people think right now is ok, but 20 years ago before ____ everything was so much better. Like everyone else these people don't really grow up. They, more than most, try to hold onto their youths in ways that involve moving their bodies and staying active. That may just constitute wearing clothes that make them look like they're ready to go running or for a mountaineering expedition. These people go to semi-dive bars, like the ones they used to frequent in their younger days, or they are still in their younger days. These people like to do all sorts of outdoor activities, or they at least have all of the gear required to do many different kinds of outdoor activities. These people like to consider themselves simple, but they also like to consider themselves above the veld. These people think people like me are interesting, but a little down-home, too rustic even. These people treat people like me with restrained respect and follow conversations like those of a child. People like these think people like me are more like type one than them, though it may be false. These people are a lot more narrow than they think.
So who am I? Who are we? We're not the middle. It's hard to say who we are. We're not on a spiritual or political journey. We don't rely on idols of any sort to get us by. We like each other because we don't have to be perfect. We're not homogeneous. That's why we are who we are. We accept our differences because we like our similarities even more. We come all parts of the world. We like to laugh, especially at ourselves. We all are able to laugh at ourselves because we are able to laugh at the silly world in which we live. We don't strive for perfection. We do what we think is right, and if what we're doing isn't right we tell each other that, but not too strongly. We don't preach. We listen to preachers and come away somewhat flabbergasted. We're not afraid of telling our secrets to groups of people. We greet one another with hugs and sarcastic insults. We're not afraid of one another. We're not too petty. We don't try to change each other, though we change each other everyday. We easily and admittedly see and admit our mistakes. We try not to get too down, though we know that getting down is another way to get up. We try not to take ourselves too seriously, and when we do we call ourselves on it. We use smiles as cures. We are able to make fun of one another freely without consequence. We mock ourselves for the enjoyment of others. We listen to one another because we know it is important. We are only a category because we have one another. That is the one thing that binds us. We are one another, in an odd way. We are full of shit, thankfully.
Type one I don't come in direct personal contact with very often, though I see them everywhere. They are everywhere. They seem to not think a lot outside of what to unfreeze for dinner or the size of some type of engine. There are some things that tis type and I have in common. Certain aspects of fashion seem to transcend our differences. We both know about certain things as well. Mostly dealing with football or chainsaws. That really seems to be it though. What separates us is how we see things. They see virtue in things like earning good money, appearing tough, not taking good advise because of who said it. These people can be religious or not. They, by and large, wouldn't deny the existence of a higher power. Horse power, maybe. These people like TV too, a lot. They like things that are funny because the rest of the country (who is just like them more or less) thinks it's funny. They don't mind listening to radio stations that play more commercials than what they consider music. Drive-time talk shows are hilarious. For some, alcohol is ok. Well, as long as it is domestic. Micro-brew beer is unheard-of and doesn't taste very good anyway, and it's just so expensive anyway. The other folks don't like alcohol at all. Drugs? Yea right. These people really like going to the standard American wedding, because they're just so much fun. Prom is important for the kids. So is the mall, which is the epitome of fashion. Looking like everyone else is fine and expected. Cars are important. Mostly because they are the only form of transportation. What's the deal with public transportation and bike lanes anyway? Vacations involve something to the effect of Disneyland or Las Vegas. The illusion of quality and fancy. Women have jobs outside the home for the most part. But they are expected, and expect themselves, to do the womanly things around the house. Men just don't get it, they never will. These folks tend not to live too far from where they grew up. If they do it is still in the same state or a neighboring state. If they live further away it's because the husband got a job offer somewhere else. But they really do miss home and have license plate frames and coozies of their favorite sports teams from home. These people believe that there is an american dream and that if they try hard enough they can achieve it. These are the folks who drive too fast on rural roads and think that by buzzing me on my bike is going to prove something to me. I guess that I need to be driving a car. These people believe what the news says. Why would they lie? These people feel they are being invaded and like to victimize themselves. They think that only if people pulled themselves up by their bootstraps that their lives would be better and need to stop complaining. These people think that telling racist jokes isn't racist if you don't mean it. They have a black friend, don't worry. There people resent people like me. They think people like me ruining this country and should just go to Europe where we belong. These people look at me through the tops of their eyes when I go into gas stations, if they are unfortunate enough to catch my gaze. I'm exactly what these people don't want their children to become, even though they never talk to me.
Type two I encounter be it personally or by proxy. The most important thing about type two is that they are educated. A bachelor's degree is a bare minimum. It isn't to say that there aren't folks who aren't so educated that can't infiltrate this field. These people are a novelty and maybe be treated a such. These people like the supposed finer things in life, but strive for purity in these things. Oh, it has hydroclorofinhainype? Don't you know that causes birth defects and increases rates of thyroid cancer in over 40% of test subjects? These people get really outraged about chemicals in food, so they of course buy organic, when they can. These people don't understand the scam that is corporate organics. These people try to do the right thing, as opposed to doing the right thing. They believe that by knowing what the right thing is pretty is the same as actually doing it. These people overuse phrases like “the most amazing...” or something to the effect of “best/funniest/tastiest/beautifulest ever!” These people have at least 200 people who they call friends, though they may only see/talk to/hear from every few weeks/months/years/decades, and often can't remember their name. Gosh, isn't that weird, I mean we used to be sooo close. These people are rarely amazing themselves, they're just ok. These people like to think they're open minded. These people can tell racist jokes because they have a black friend, it's ok. These people are for the most part left of center. They like to throw around the phrase progressive without realizing where it comes from and what it can mean. These people have ironic semi-political bumper stickers on their cars. These people think that there is a huge difference between republicans and democrats. These people loathe their type one neighbors and try not to talk to them, but then say that they are accepting of everyone. These people claim to hate the consumption of fossil fuels but continue to drive everywhere in cars that aren't as fuel efficient as they think. These people are amazed that you don't know what they do about such a simple topic. Really? you still do/use/see/don't get _____. These people don't try to see from other perspectives, but they think they try to. These people really like themselves. These people have dogs and think that you should like their dog as much as they do. Don't worry, Chance really likes you, that's why he jumped up on you and barked at you so loud, get down chance don't jump, haha. Some of these people have kids. Some don't. These people hold onto things from their college days, which they recollect with a sigh. They still listen to and reference bands that were around for a few of their college years that had a following in their college town, and were so great. These people think right now is ok, but 20 years ago before ____ everything was so much better. Like everyone else these people don't really grow up. They, more than most, try to hold onto their youths in ways that involve moving their bodies and staying active. That may just constitute wearing clothes that make them look like they're ready to go running or for a mountaineering expedition. These people go to semi-dive bars, like the ones they used to frequent in their younger days, or they are still in their younger days. These people like to do all sorts of outdoor activities, or they at least have all of the gear required to do many different kinds of outdoor activities. These people like to consider themselves simple, but they also like to consider themselves above the veld. These people think people like me are interesting, but a little down-home, too rustic even. These people treat people like me with restrained respect and follow conversations like those of a child. People like these think people like me are more like type one than them, though it may be false. These people are a lot more narrow than they think.
So who am I? Who are we? We're not the middle. It's hard to say who we are. We're not on a spiritual or political journey. We don't rely on idols of any sort to get us by. We like each other because we don't have to be perfect. We're not homogeneous. That's why we are who we are. We accept our differences because we like our similarities even more. We come all parts of the world. We like to laugh, especially at ourselves. We all are able to laugh at ourselves because we are able to laugh at the silly world in which we live. We don't strive for perfection. We do what we think is right, and if what we're doing isn't right we tell each other that, but not too strongly. We don't preach. We listen to preachers and come away somewhat flabbergasted. We're not afraid of telling our secrets to groups of people. We greet one another with hugs and sarcastic insults. We're not afraid of one another. We're not too petty. We don't try to change each other, though we change each other everyday. We easily and admittedly see and admit our mistakes. We try not to get too down, though we know that getting down is another way to get up. We try not to take ourselves too seriously, and when we do we call ourselves on it. We use smiles as cures. We are able to make fun of one another freely without consequence. We mock ourselves for the enjoyment of others. We listen to one another because we know it is important. We are only a category because we have one another. That is the one thing that binds us. We are one another, in an odd way. We are full of shit, thankfully.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Here we go again
To say the least I have been on a streak of sorts. I have been reading, watching, and thinking about religion, or god, or spirituality, but mostly something I can't seem to pinpoint. My thought process about belief is this: I believe something because I have gathered evidence from my experience and from data collected an analyzed by others and presented in a credible manner. Well that's sort of confusing isn't it? That translates to: I believe something (proven to me) until I am given overwhelming evidence against it. That's pretty scientific I think which is how I like to look at the world in general. Certainly there are things which I do not require the scientific method to prove or justify. I mainly think of this in the context of emotions, which I know can be explained but are so amazingly powerful they are hard to deny, ignore, or be broken into the parts that make them. All of this aside for now, I have been thinking about religion and how it is a part of my life.
For lack of a better term I am an atheist. Or if you want a non-theist, or non-believer, or a godless heathen headed down the broad road to hell. Ok whatever. I just don't believe that there is an omniscient force that controls everything and has a personal interest in humans. So I was raised in a religious setting which I have discussed before, and as stated is probably the most influential aspect of my life so far. So I have a dilemma, and it occurs to me not only when discussing religious belief but any kind of belief. I will use the analogy that comes to mind the most. Here goes:
I am sitting around talking with my father about belief in God, the Christian one, and I present how I feel about it. My ideas are totally opposed to his. What I believe more or less disregards the purpose of most of his life. So say him and I have been having these hypothetical conversations for a few months or a year. I present all of the information and concepts that I have as does he. We go back and forth, blah blah blah. So, we arrive at a point where we really aren't discussing it so much and we are both able to assess what has been said and examine what we believe. A little while after that I still feel pretty strongly that there is no God and I'm ok with that and my life goes one la la la. No so much for my father. Now, everyday when he goes into work he thinks about what I have been saying. The evidence that I present that there is most likely no God (which cannot be proven or disproven for that mater). Well over time it starts to eat away at him, and he starts to do some research of his own. That being actually reading what people have written or expressed, and also looked into himself for answers. After a time (who knows how long) he realizes that there is now way he can believe in God, it just doesn't make sense. That leads to a personal crisis. Is what i have been doing for most of my life a futile endeavour? Look at all the time I wasted, all the opportunities I had to turn away because of my blind allegiance to an imaginary man. So he quits his job as a minister. He has no other skills and is too old, pretty much, to start a new career. His life is in shambles. Not only that but his family will find out and many will reject him, my mother goes crazy and sinks deeper into her already deep lifetime of depression, all because of me.
That is my problem, my dilemma, be it moral or ethical or both. I would feel bad mostly because I radically changed his belief, I destroyed his foundation. I convinced him that he is wrong. I probably fear this because I would have a similar reaction if someone told me one of my deepest beliefs was completely wrong and how about them apples? I also have an obsession with the value of the individual to make choices. It's almost as if I fear being influential. Right? Or maybe I don't have enough self-confidence to realize that i have the power to change how people think. This situation will not happen, most likely. But even in another context not related to metaphysical belief I think I would feel the same. I know for a fact that I have influenced people to change their lives, though i had no such intention. I guess I feel that being someone who changes people is a bad thing. I think of the oft mention fascist and nationalist dictators of the past who influenced people on a mass scale to commit awful things against other people just like themselves. I know I will never be very influential, but that fear still haunts me. I wouldn't want someone to abandon their beliefs because of me, who am I? Not anyone special or more special than anyone else I have ever known.
There is one real life example of this scenario that I know to have actually happened. I affected someone so much that another person who I had never met knew about me and knew my name. The person who I helped in changing thought that highly of me to tell other people long after our first meeting. My influence preceded me. My first reason was a laughing "Really? Crazy" as I am known to frequently say in circumstances less interesting. I still feel odd when I think about that. Who am I? I'm influential, if I believe it or not. I may just be good with words or appealing to people on some level but I can't say I try too hard. I try to be honest and fair, and try to see things from other angles. This proves that anyone can be influential. I just hope that when I am that it creates a net positive in the world.
For lack of a better term I am an atheist. Or if you want a non-theist, or non-believer, or a godless heathen headed down the broad road to hell. Ok whatever. I just don't believe that there is an omniscient force that controls everything and has a personal interest in humans. So I was raised in a religious setting which I have discussed before, and as stated is probably the most influential aspect of my life so far. So I have a dilemma, and it occurs to me not only when discussing religious belief but any kind of belief. I will use the analogy that comes to mind the most. Here goes:
I am sitting around talking with my father about belief in God, the Christian one, and I present how I feel about it. My ideas are totally opposed to his. What I believe more or less disregards the purpose of most of his life. So say him and I have been having these hypothetical conversations for a few months or a year. I present all of the information and concepts that I have as does he. We go back and forth, blah blah blah. So, we arrive at a point where we really aren't discussing it so much and we are both able to assess what has been said and examine what we believe. A little while after that I still feel pretty strongly that there is no God and I'm ok with that and my life goes one la la la. No so much for my father. Now, everyday when he goes into work he thinks about what I have been saying. The evidence that I present that there is most likely no God (which cannot be proven or disproven for that mater). Well over time it starts to eat away at him, and he starts to do some research of his own. That being actually reading what people have written or expressed, and also looked into himself for answers. After a time (who knows how long) he realizes that there is now way he can believe in God, it just doesn't make sense. That leads to a personal crisis. Is what i have been doing for most of my life a futile endeavour? Look at all the time I wasted, all the opportunities I had to turn away because of my blind allegiance to an imaginary man. So he quits his job as a minister. He has no other skills and is too old, pretty much, to start a new career. His life is in shambles. Not only that but his family will find out and many will reject him, my mother goes crazy and sinks deeper into her already deep lifetime of depression, all because of me.
That is my problem, my dilemma, be it moral or ethical or both. I would feel bad mostly because I radically changed his belief, I destroyed his foundation. I convinced him that he is wrong. I probably fear this because I would have a similar reaction if someone told me one of my deepest beliefs was completely wrong and how about them apples? I also have an obsession with the value of the individual to make choices. It's almost as if I fear being influential. Right? Or maybe I don't have enough self-confidence to realize that i have the power to change how people think. This situation will not happen, most likely. But even in another context not related to metaphysical belief I think I would feel the same. I know for a fact that I have influenced people to change their lives, though i had no such intention. I guess I feel that being someone who changes people is a bad thing. I think of the oft mention fascist and nationalist dictators of the past who influenced people on a mass scale to commit awful things against other people just like themselves. I know I will never be very influential, but that fear still haunts me. I wouldn't want someone to abandon their beliefs because of me, who am I? Not anyone special or more special than anyone else I have ever known.
There is one real life example of this scenario that I know to have actually happened. I affected someone so much that another person who I had never met knew about me and knew my name. The person who I helped in changing thought that highly of me to tell other people long after our first meeting. My influence preceded me. My first reason was a laughing "Really? Crazy" as I am known to frequently say in circumstances less interesting. I still feel odd when I think about that. Who am I? I'm influential, if I believe it or not. I may just be good with words or appealing to people on some level but I can't say I try too hard. I try to be honest and fair, and try to see things from other angles. This proves that anyone can be influential. I just hope that when I am that it creates a net positive in the world.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Out in the Woods
I realized that there is something I think about a lot when my mind wanders and something that was the biggest thing in my life in 2008 which has changed my life for better or worse. Somehow in hell I got a position as a hotshot. Pretty insane really. First year guys aren't supposed to be on hotshot crews, pretty much as a rule. Nonetheless, I got the job. There is so much to talk about concerning the job. I will certainly post more about it as thoughts come into my mind. I really hyper analyze the experience quite often and seems to be on my mind a lot. It affected me in many ways.
In a lot of ways wildland firefighting doesn't fit me at all. In other ways it's perfect. I will make a list because that's fun.
Pros:
*Get to see beautiful places all around the United States
*Incredibly interesting (fire and human behavior)
*Free meals, motel rooms, travel expenses
*Get to do very dangerous stuff everyday
*Receive a lot of respect and cred from all sorts of people (unfounded though it may be at times)
*Always put in a good day of work
*Live outside for a vast majority of the time
*Pay is pretty good, and it is hard to spend money
*Rewarding at times
*Cheap housing
*Learn how to work with all kinds of people
Cons:
*Body gets beat to hell (feet, back, legs, hands, ears)
*Work is very hot, noisy, chaotic and dangerous
*Hard to be a vegan (hating salad doesn't help)
*Lots of machismo, sexism, racism, homophobia, and plain old ignorance
*Work can feel fruitless and like "busy work"
*When not on fire life gets really boring
*Some techniques and actions are very environmentally destructive
*Hard to live and work with people who share few beliefs with me
*Work for "the man"
*Pay really should be more (a lot to explain on that front)
*Monkey butt, needle back, swamp foot (gross)
So that's a short list. I could really do that all day. I won't.
There are a lot of negative aspects to the job for a person like me. There are great parts too. They seem to even out. I certainly don't ascribe to a lot of the attitudes that are prevalent in the community but am able to function well. I realize that no one is going to change how I think and nor am I going to change anyone else (not too much anyway). In that way I found that it is easier to talk to people. Many of the guys on the crew came from backgrounds nothing like my own. Talking with them allowed me to see their perspectives and was very helpful in understanding them.
There is a mystique connected with firefighters. I was actually called a "hero" one day. Boy that was weird. In other places we were considered minions of the fascist US government (ID, MT, etc.). I met a lot of people who I think were put off too. People I would imagine in other circumstances I would have gotten along with. There is this assumption that firefighters are ignorant macho idiots. In a lot of ways that's a valid argument, but we also cannot generalize. There were a lot of very educated and smart people on the crew. And some who were bumbling ogres. That's how it goes. before I got into fire I read a ton about it. Lots of books for months before I got on the crew. There is definitely a romanticism related to the profession. It isn't romantic at all. It is painful, dirty, and covered in bullshit. But I want to keep doing it. WHY? Why the fuck is more like it. In all honesty there is so much that I like about it, that makes it worth it. There's a lot of crap to deal with but I learned how and was able to make the job what I wanted it to be. To me, and others as well, I found myself in incredible situations amazed that I got paid to be there, doing something crazy. There are some amazing that one can see and do fighting wildfires. Being a hotshot is the best way to see wildfires. I would never do it any other way (well, almost). I will admit that it can be hard not to get an attitude when it comes to being a hotshot. It is easy to fall into the rhetoric that they feed you. I will honestly agree that hotshots are the best firefighters. Hands down. But that is in the woods. I found that when I left the buggy door or the station to go back into the real world I had to leave that macho, prideful attitude there. Because in all honesty, all I did for six months was cut down trees and move dirt. Plain and simple. My dad thinks I try to be a tough guy. I don't think I do in the way that he thinks. Toughness is relative. Simply because most people don't risk their lives trying to put out forest fires doesn't mean they're not tough or that we are so much more so. I think abut my grandmother who raised eight kids, lost one as an infant, lived with a stubborn, jerk who was her husband, drove him everywhere, chopped into her 80s, and only had electricity and indoor running water for half of her life. That's tough. Or even some folks i knew in school. there was one girl i knew who had three young kids, worked full time and went to school full time with intentions of getting her master's degree. That is tough too. Or a young boy in Africa that has had to run his whole life because his lost his family to war and worries every night that he is going to get caught and forced to become a soldier against his will. That's tough. As a wildland firefighter I'm pampered. As an American I'm pampered. It's all context.
I'll write more on this in the future.
In a lot of ways wildland firefighting doesn't fit me at all. In other ways it's perfect. I will make a list because that's fun.
Pros:
*Get to see beautiful places all around the United States
*Incredibly interesting (fire and human behavior)
*Free meals, motel rooms, travel expenses
*Get to do very dangerous stuff everyday
*Receive a lot of respect and cred from all sorts of people (unfounded though it may be at times)
*Always put in a good day of work
*Live outside for a vast majority of the time
*Pay is pretty good, and it is hard to spend money
*Rewarding at times
*Cheap housing
*Learn how to work with all kinds of people
Cons:
*Body gets beat to hell (feet, back, legs, hands, ears)
*Work is very hot, noisy, chaotic and dangerous
*Hard to be a vegan (hating salad doesn't help)
*Lots of machismo, sexism, racism, homophobia, and plain old ignorance
*Work can feel fruitless and like "busy work"
*When not on fire life gets really boring
*Some techniques and actions are very environmentally destructive
*Hard to live and work with people who share few beliefs with me
*Work for "the man"
*Pay really should be more (a lot to explain on that front)
*Monkey butt, needle back, swamp foot (gross)
So that's a short list. I could really do that all day. I won't.
There are a lot of negative aspects to the job for a person like me. There are great parts too. They seem to even out. I certainly don't ascribe to a lot of the attitudes that are prevalent in the community but am able to function well. I realize that no one is going to change how I think and nor am I going to change anyone else (not too much anyway). In that way I found that it is easier to talk to people. Many of the guys on the crew came from backgrounds nothing like my own. Talking with them allowed me to see their perspectives and was very helpful in understanding them.
There is a mystique connected with firefighters. I was actually called a "hero" one day. Boy that was weird. In other places we were considered minions of the fascist US government (ID, MT, etc.). I met a lot of people who I think were put off too. People I would imagine in other circumstances I would have gotten along with. There is this assumption that firefighters are ignorant macho idiots. In a lot of ways that's a valid argument, but we also cannot generalize. There were a lot of very educated and smart people on the crew. And some who were bumbling ogres. That's how it goes. before I got into fire I read a ton about it. Lots of books for months before I got on the crew. There is definitely a romanticism related to the profession. It isn't romantic at all. It is painful, dirty, and covered in bullshit. But I want to keep doing it. WHY? Why the fuck is more like it. In all honesty there is so much that I like about it, that makes it worth it. There's a lot of crap to deal with but I learned how and was able to make the job what I wanted it to be. To me, and others as well, I found myself in incredible situations amazed that I got paid to be there, doing something crazy. There are some amazing that one can see and do fighting wildfires. Being a hotshot is the best way to see wildfires. I would never do it any other way (well, almost). I will admit that it can be hard not to get an attitude when it comes to being a hotshot. It is easy to fall into the rhetoric that they feed you. I will honestly agree that hotshots are the best firefighters. Hands down. But that is in the woods. I found that when I left the buggy door or the station to go back into the real world I had to leave that macho, prideful attitude there. Because in all honesty, all I did for six months was cut down trees and move dirt. Plain and simple. My dad thinks I try to be a tough guy. I don't think I do in the way that he thinks. Toughness is relative. Simply because most people don't risk their lives trying to put out forest fires doesn't mean they're not tough or that we are so much more so. I think abut my grandmother who raised eight kids, lost one as an infant, lived with a stubborn, jerk who was her husband, drove him everywhere, chopped into her 80s, and only had electricity and indoor running water for half of her life. That's tough. Or even some folks i knew in school. there was one girl i knew who had three young kids, worked full time and went to school full time with intentions of getting her master's degree. That is tough too. Or a young boy in Africa that has had to run his whole life because his lost his family to war and worries every night that he is going to get caught and forced to become a soldier against his will. That's tough. As a wildland firefighter I'm pampered. As an American I'm pampered. It's all context.
I'll write more on this in the future.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Weird
Been thinking a lot the past few days. Lots of things have passed through my mind. But I just made a weird discovery, I suppose. Not so much weird as insightful. I strive for relationships with people but tend to not even begin them. I make excuses why I shouldn't and what it boils down to is that I don't want to be hurt emotionally or have to think about more than what is necessary for me to function as the person that I am. I think a lot of it has to do with my striving for rationality, which certainly can lead in the wrong direction. what this does it makes me think I am, afraid but of what, seems mysterious at the time. In retrospect it is not. I have to work on conquering this fear. If there is something I want in life I have learned that I have to go and get it myself. No one is going to give me anything. Easy to say but harder to do. In many parts of my life I have done this but in other I haven't.
Also recently I have realized what it is I want in life. i want someone to "be there" all the time for me. Someone who will accept me and challenge me everyday. Someone who will listen to rants like this and be able to put me in my place if need be. I'm good at being alone and have pretty much felt that way my whole life and to a certain extent I enjoy it. This "aloneness" (not loneliness) is also a cause of my fear of serious relationships. Probably. I am looking to have someone in my life who would still allow me to have this "aloneness" but it wouldn't be labeled as such. Free-will may be the better term. Freedom seems too loose.
I make excuses to myself to deny what it is that i crave so much. "I won't be here for long", "Being alone helps me see the world clearer", "I really don't need anyone", "I'm not around much, I move too often", "My itchy feet aren't conducive to having someone else in my life", "I'm too hard to live with", "You'd think I would be able to find someone, but I don't, oh well". All total bullshit. I am simply denying myself. I used to believe that this was virtuous and therefore lived a virtuous life. Certainly depriving yourself of things can bring insight but all of the time and in every part of one's life is not good for the conscience.
I need to relax and not fear being hurt. Getting hurt is a part of life, and if I want to continue living this life then I am going to have to accept that.
I often feel like I should be something or be doing something because at my age people do things that I want to do. I do things I want but nothing is enough. One thing at a time. That said, it is about time for something new, something I really want. I have to be cautious though not to look too much, get too into searching and let some things happen. Still be proactive but not desperate, or straight up creepy.
Learn learn learn.
Also recently I have realized what it is I want in life. i want someone to "be there" all the time for me. Someone who will accept me and challenge me everyday. Someone who will listen to rants like this and be able to put me in my place if need be. I'm good at being alone and have pretty much felt that way my whole life and to a certain extent I enjoy it. This "aloneness" (not loneliness) is also a cause of my fear of serious relationships. Probably. I am looking to have someone in my life who would still allow me to have this "aloneness" but it wouldn't be labeled as such. Free-will may be the better term. Freedom seems too loose.
I make excuses to myself to deny what it is that i crave so much. "I won't be here for long", "Being alone helps me see the world clearer", "I really don't need anyone", "I'm not around much, I move too often", "My itchy feet aren't conducive to having someone else in my life", "I'm too hard to live with", "You'd think I would be able to find someone, but I don't, oh well". All total bullshit. I am simply denying myself. I used to believe that this was virtuous and therefore lived a virtuous life. Certainly depriving yourself of things can bring insight but all of the time and in every part of one's life is not good for the conscience.
I need to relax and not fear being hurt. Getting hurt is a part of life, and if I want to continue living this life then I am going to have to accept that.
I often feel like I should be something or be doing something because at my age people do things that I want to do. I do things I want but nothing is enough. One thing at a time. That said, it is about time for something new, something I really want. I have to be cautious though not to look too much, get too into searching and let some things happen. Still be proactive but not desperate, or straight up creepy.
Learn learn learn.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
The Goods
Lately I have been thinking about how things in life happen and are not even noticed after a while. Be it physical mannerisms or habits. For me, I've been thinking about things in life that I like. I'm going to make this an ongoing project and I'm going to be very specific. We'll see how it works.
playing music with friends
meeting new interesting people
thinking about girls I've liked the day after I met them
wind blowing through pine trees (favorite sound)
washing face with clean river/spring water
summiting a peak
hiking with friends
south facing windows
going back and forth with someone about a specific topic using minimal word (i.e. 80s and 90s baseball players, 80s metal bands, sarcastic reasons why women should stay at home)
runners high
a well functioning bike
aimlessly bike riding on warm summer nights
dumpster diving with friends
seeing a sunset and sunrise without going to sleep
sleeping in the woods
feeling comfortable around people
seeing a big tree in the middle of the forest
watching animals in the wild
birds on bird feeders
being alone in the forest
finding archaeological sites
working on bicycles
certain songs that give me an indescribable feeling
martin luther king speeches
laughing at inappropriate times
playing guitars, banjos, mandolins, etc. in music stores
knowing that I can really do whatever I want
making a pretty looking dinner
making food for other people
when people ask me to sing songs I have written
when people ask me to play songs by other people (that I like)
getting a new album and not being able to listen to anything else for a week without feeling like I'm betraying that album
thinking about the past (before I was around)
thinking about how much there is to do in the future
thinking about places I want to go
doing little things for people that they'll never know about
relaxed dogs
stupid jokes between friends
good fitting jeans
broken in running shoes
feeling exhausted after a day of hard work
the forgotten thoughts that happen right before sleep
dreams that make me feel better than in waking life
sweet flannel and plaids shirt acquired cheaply at thrift stores
good "bad" music (scorpions, alabama, gin blossoms, etc.)
desert sunrises
smell of sagebrush in the morning during summer
the insanity of monsoons
dry, windy lightning storms
seeing mountains after being away from them for a while
reading a book until it's impossible because I am falling asleep
all for now
playing music with friends
meeting new interesting people
thinking about girls I've liked the day after I met them
wind blowing through pine trees (favorite sound)
washing face with clean river/spring water
summiting a peak
hiking with friends
south facing windows
going back and forth with someone about a specific topic using minimal word (i.e. 80s and 90s baseball players, 80s metal bands, sarcastic reasons why women should stay at home)
runners high
a well functioning bike
aimlessly bike riding on warm summer nights
dumpster diving with friends
seeing a sunset and sunrise without going to sleep
sleeping in the woods
feeling comfortable around people
seeing a big tree in the middle of the forest
watching animals in the wild
birds on bird feeders
being alone in the forest
finding archaeological sites
working on bicycles
certain songs that give me an indescribable feeling
martin luther king speeches
laughing at inappropriate times
playing guitars, banjos, mandolins, etc. in music stores
knowing that I can really do whatever I want
making a pretty looking dinner
making food for other people
when people ask me to sing songs I have written
when people ask me to play songs by other people (that I like)
getting a new album and not being able to listen to anything else for a week without feeling like I'm betraying that album
thinking about the past (before I was around)
thinking about how much there is to do in the future
thinking about places I want to go
doing little things for people that they'll never know about
relaxed dogs
stupid jokes between friends
good fitting jeans
broken in running shoes
feeling exhausted after a day of hard work
the forgotten thoughts that happen right before sleep
dreams that make me feel better than in waking life
sweet flannel and plaids shirt acquired cheaply at thrift stores
good "bad" music (scorpions, alabama, gin blossoms, etc.)
desert sunrises
smell of sagebrush in the morning during summer
the insanity of monsoons
dry, windy lightning storms
seeing mountains after being away from them for a while
reading a book until it's impossible because I am falling asleep
all for now
Friday, December 19, 2008
Dick!
So, I think a lot of people think I'm a jerk. Why not? Makes it easier to not have to get to know someone. Anyway, I think the big misconception may be that because my opinions are "harsh", abrupt, or definite that I don't think deeply about those opinions. Just being the person I am I think about issues from every angle I can imagine. I come to conclusions by that way (for the most part). I try to put myself in other peoples shoes per say (cliche). Being trained as an anthropologist has also helped me in this way. It's easy to think you know someone by first impressions. Everyone does it. Being on the crew really helped me understand people a lot. That is what I learned most of all from that experience. I can honestly say that if it weren't for the crew I would never have even talked to or looked twice at any of the guys on the crew. But since we lived together in such a crazy environment I had no choice but to get to know them. I disagreed with pretty much everything they were about and everything they did, but I still got along with them and was able to hear their side of life and understand where they got their ideas.
One day I was having a somewhat heated discussion with one of the guys. He was saying that he had no problem treating Maricopa county prisoners poorly. I countered and said that even though they committed crimes they were still people and deserved better treatment than they were getting. I asked him if he ever thought about how those people had been brought up, or the fact that it was easy for him to cast them aside because he was a pretty well off white guy? He countered if I ever thought about the former loggers I commented on? Of course I had. I thought it was funny that he asked me that. Logging had been a hot-button topic on the crew, as it is all over the west. I had some great conversations with a native Idahoan about it and really enjoyed his take on it. The guy who was arguing with me didn't know I had these conversations and was well aware of the sentiment among former loggers and their families. Regardless, I came to my own conclusion by looking at the issue from different angles. I vividly remember him saying to me if I thought about the perspective of the loggers and I thought "of course, duh." I then realized that a lot of people don't try to look at all sides of an argument. Simply because we have opinions doesn't mean they're superficial. They should often be challenged and questioned, but also well founded. I suppose that is why I have tried to stray away from labels. They're so final and decisive. I've never affiliated myself with a particular political or social view and even have had to come to terms with calling my self a vegan (*shivers*). As humans we must label so as to make sense of the world, but sometimes it's so restrictive.
So in conclusion, I may seem like and asshole but, I believe that stems from the fact that I know exactly what I believe, know how to demonstrate it, and have looked that those beliefs in a critical light and continue to. I do like life and people, and the world, it can just be frustrating.
One day I was having a somewhat heated discussion with one of the guys. He was saying that he had no problem treating Maricopa county prisoners poorly. I countered and said that even though they committed crimes they were still people and deserved better treatment than they were getting. I asked him if he ever thought about how those people had been brought up, or the fact that it was easy for him to cast them aside because he was a pretty well off white guy? He countered if I ever thought about the former loggers I commented on? Of course I had. I thought it was funny that he asked me that. Logging had been a hot-button topic on the crew, as it is all over the west. I had some great conversations with a native Idahoan about it and really enjoyed his take on it. The guy who was arguing with me didn't know I had these conversations and was well aware of the sentiment among former loggers and their families. Regardless, I came to my own conclusion by looking at the issue from different angles. I vividly remember him saying to me if I thought about the perspective of the loggers and I thought "of course, duh." I then realized that a lot of people don't try to look at all sides of an argument. Simply because we have opinions doesn't mean they're superficial. They should often be challenged and questioned, but also well founded. I suppose that is why I have tried to stray away from labels. They're so final and decisive. I've never affiliated myself with a particular political or social view and even have had to come to terms with calling my self a vegan (*shivers*). As humans we must label so as to make sense of the world, but sometimes it's so restrictive.
So in conclusion, I may seem like and asshole but, I believe that stems from the fact that I know exactly what I believe, know how to demonstrate it, and have looked that those beliefs in a critical light and continue to. I do like life and people, and the world, it can just be frustrating.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
